xmen gone bad
by ninja-bitch
Summary: please don't be offended! Come closer children... come and witness the HORROR of the xmen in their natural habitat... Be afraid... be very afraid! Seriously, don't be offended...
1. Chapter 1

Get you out of those clothes! Shouted wheels coming down the stairs in a fluffy pink wheelchair and dancing the can can, addressing Wolverine who scuttled off in terror at the sight of Xavier's whip and hand cuffs… and the lube.

Jade looked menacingly at Storm who shuddered and hid behind a vase but unfortunately, her butt was too big to hide behind even the biggest of vases. Jade pulled out her chainsaw and pulled the string, making it roar into life. Franky looked at her sideways a little aprehensively, Jade gazed up at him, as though hoping for him to give her permission, but he shook his head gravely. Her face fell. But then he pulled out a bazooka from out of Jamie's pants and handed it to her, she squealed in delight and hurried off in pursuit of the dark woman who was scuttling away, still grasping the vase.

In the background Wheels was chasing Wolverine, making whip cracking noises as the automatic wheelchair zoomed around, every now and then running over surplus students, such as Jubilee and amara (cos noone really likes them or gives a damn anyway). Jean somehow had lost her powers and was desperately trying to take off, jumping into the air and waving her arms around energetically, making her look even more annoying and stupid than usual. But hilarious. admit it.

'Like totally so!' shouted Sam to Roberto who was trying on a pink unitard he had stolen from Wheels' cupboard. Kitty stared at him in disgust.

'It's like so totally not like totally that like so totally like so!!!!' she screamed in horror. 'So like God totally! Do like you like totally like so know nothing like totally so! Like?'well do ya? so like totally huh? punk???!!!?' She reached behind her and pulled out a large cheeseburger and threw it at him. Straight away, Vixen screamed in horror and threw herself out towards it, hoping against hope that she might be able to save it from a horrible demise.

'NOOOO!!!!!' she cried in slow motion as she jumped out towards the falling object. The others watched her curiously as she slowly moved in slow motion. They looked at each other questioningly, and the cheeseburger itself, which had landed ages ago, sighed boredly. Suddenly, a disco ball came down from the ceiling and the lights dimmed, a strange sound filling the room (apart from Vixen's voice, as she continued to fall in slo mo).

"_I'm giving myself away!!!_" came the melodious voice around the x-men. After momentarily not knowing what to do, they started stripping and dancing provocatively, and the cheesburger started unraveling the cheese which was slowly oozing out from it's sides.

'i'll pay you!!!!' screamed Wheels as he continued to zoom after Logan. There was a strange sort of fizzing noise as Jade finally managed to shoot Storm in the head. Storm's face slowly melted, leaving a strange configuration of mould and animal droppings, forming what looked like a mini- shrine to herself.

'YOU VERE BUILDING SPITFIRES JA?!?!?!?!' hollered Kurt suddenly, getting the distinct feeling people were ignoring him. The whole room went silent, including the music, as they all turned to gaze at him in surprise; even Vixen looked around from her descent. Suddenly, the door flew open and a sinister voice could be heard.

'Hon hi hon...' came the voice, as a dark figure with a tutu filled the doorway...

To be continued.


	2. Chapter 2

'Hon hi hon...' came the voice, as a dark figure with a tutu filled the doorway...

'Who the hell are you?' asked Jean, trying to refrain from stealing Vixen's cheeseburger. The figure struck a top model's pose and flicked it's mushroom shaped hair.

'Ee om zee uncradible Jambet!!!' he cried lifting his arms into the air. 'Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeer mi eef yuuuuuu duuuuur!!!!' he continued coming into the light to reveal a (supposedly) hansome face with freaky red eyes, mushroom shaped brown hair and distinct gay tendancies.

'Okay, what did he say?' asked Scott, clutching a toaster to his chest. Jean glared wide eyed at him for a moment then took her sexual tension out on a nearby pot plant... it will never be the same again. RIP pot plant. There was a dull thud a Vixen fell to the ground in the surprised silence that ensued. The stranger walked forward, with a flirty look on his (supposedly) handsome face and made his way slowly and deliberately over to Rogue who had a terrified look on her face.

'Hon hi hon,' came his enticing voice, as he flicked his mushroom shaped hair out of his face and leaned on one leg, leaning towards the southern girl. 'Hon, hon hi hon, hi?'

'Y'all?' replied the girl, her face covered by a look of extatic awe, hardly daring to believe that this (supposedly) handsome man was paying her so much attention. 'Y'all, y'all y'all.'

'They're made for each other.' whispered Franky emotionally as he tried desperately to mount Jade's leg. She looked down at him romantically.

'Like you and me...' she answered, watching his movement.

'As I was saying,' said Xavier turning to look at Wolverine again, with a look of menacing lust on his face, 'I'm gonna make you bend and break!!!' Wolverine jumped and scuttled off again, tring to hide under the table, but Xavier's fluffy pink wheelchair had ajustable wheels!!! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!!! Making it possible for him to lower himself under the table.

'Time for bed children.' Declared Storm who had come back from her foraging (dunno how to write that, besides I can't remember what she had been doing... probably looking for grubs.) with a large and dead looking witchety scrub hanging from her mouth.

Rogue started on her way up to her room, tugging on a rather limp looking french Gambit (we worked out his name from his name tag, besides we've all read the comics.) who was lying as I said limp on the floor, banging "his" head on the stairs. Vixen and Jade followed, Jade with a little difficulty since Franky was still rampantly humping her right leg, Kurt ensued with Kitty who was murmuring strange incantations under her breath (which sounded strangely like "like so totally" repeated over and over again).

Wolverine scuttled up the stairs, followed slowly by Wheels who was having trouble forcing his chair up the damn steps. Scott started up the stairs after them, cuddling his toaster and whispering sweet nothings into it's plug socket, Jean glared at it menacinlgy, her eyes wide. As she went past a window, the glass shattered showing a nervous pair of owls looking apprehensively inside. Any other mutants still down there also followd them, except Storm who stood for a while longer, chewing on her witchety grub in contemplation.

'Slow night tonight.' she said to herself in her most manly voice she could muster, the grub hanging from her lips and slowly oozing it's guts out onto her chin.

Disclaimer: the idea of Scott and the toaster is NOT mine, I read a parody in which it was written... It was soooooo funny!!!

P.S: if you have any ideas, please do send them to me because I'm all out of ideas!!!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: the idea of Scott and the toaster is NOT mine, I read a parody in which it was written... It was soooooo funny!!! From Evilwhiteraven, "Insert title here".

'Maybe Nogads ate it.' said Vixen looking over at her cat who glanced up guiltily. Kitty came into the room, tying her hair up into her usual ponytail of doom.

'Like totally so?' she asked looking from Vixen to Bobby to Wolverine and back. 'So like totally so like like.' Wolverine glared at the cat menacingly, then looked up at her as though startled by her sudden appearance, his eyes wide in fear and terror.

'I've lost my beer.' he mumbled piteously, shuffling his feet and twirling his hands around his hip area like a ballerina. Kitty looked at the adorable little cat, who happened to be chewing on a human leg, and decided that he can't have taken the beer.

Scott came in, pointed at a dead and rotten looking pot-plant, then at a broken window and back at Vixen as though he couldn't talk for some reason. Vixen grimaced at him in confusion and then threw herself out of a window, they happened to be on the ground floor so it didn't have much effect on anyone.

'I like totally so think he like totally so wants to like so totally tell us totally like so totally something totally so like!' cried Kitty in a single breath, Logan gazed at her wide eyed in astonishment and, to an extent, fear. Scott nodded and then repeated before suddenly throwing himself onto Wolverine's leg and start rampantly humping him.

'Oh, Wolfie...' came a girlish voice from upstairs as they heard rhythmic bumping coming slowly down towards them.

'Oh no!' said Wolverine quietly, his eyes widening even more as he looked up in the direction of the noise. 'He's coming... HIDE ME!' he screamed in terror, running in small circles around Kitty, Scott still rampantly humping his leg with intense enthustiasm.

'What did I miss?' asked Vixen popping her head up from the window she had just leapt through. She saw Scott mounting Logan's leg and the latter running around Kitty in small circles making her very dizzy, and heard the noises coming from up the stairs and decided it was best that she went back to her business underneath the window sill.

'Vas ist Das?' asked Kurt popping his head up beside hers. She shook her head at him despairingly and pushed him slowly and deliberately back down, a look of enthusiasm on his blue (and slightly innocent) face.

'Like totally fuckin' like so totally STOP!!!' screamed Kitty, screwing her face up against the dizziness that was making her sway painfully. She clenched her fist and buttock muscles befor exploding. The others looked through the pink-tinged smoke only to find...

'Ist das vas ich denke dass das ist?' said Kurt who had just appeared out of nowhere for some reason. Everyone looked at each other in confusion... they'd lost their english/german dictionarry. Kitty had indeed turned into... a pink banana with the words "like so totally" engraved in the skin.


End file.
